A 150 Mile Change of Scenery

Yep, it's moving time. And that includes all of my yarn. A huge bin full. I'm kind of hoping that our next place will be a bit bigger, seeing as my yarn is already stashed so far back in the living room coat closet that it takes five minutes to dig it out (and another five to pry out the curious cats).

Did I mention that we have only three days to pack? And being married to a gaming nerd like my husband, this is what would happen if I let him be in charge of the packing:

Part of me is sad to be leaving; the other part is looking forward to the change. Here's to the next chapter of our unfolding lives! 

A Tribute

I lost an old friend on Tuesday. Our family dog, Hans, had to be put down. A combination of old age, deafness, blindness, bad arthritis, and worsening glaucoma helped my parents to make the final call. I'm glad my old buddy of 16 years is out of pain and discomfort, but still, losing a pet who'd become a part of the family for 16 years is hard to accept. Since I'm not living with my parents anymore, it's not hitting me as hard because I don't miss seeing him walk around the house all day. I have a feeling the next time I visit will be a bit teary-eyed. Hans was a good dog -- our first family dog. He will be missed.

I'm a Little More Than Useless!

Lately I've been feeling pretty useless as I lay around the house recuperating. I see a million little things to do or that need doing, but playing Minecraft and watching TV are about all I can do these days. Tack on a bad case of the "my anti-depressants aren't working as fast as I'd like them to" and I find myself sitting up at three in the morning, a tissue in hand, curled on the couch and listening to the cat crunch its dry food as I think about how pitiful I am. About how many days have already gone by. About times in the past that were very similar to this very moment. About things I want to do now but must wait to come.
So I started praying and just let the tears come softly. I can't completely put into words what I'm feeling but I know God understands exactly what I'm trying to communicate--even if I can't. My depressed thoughts wandered down self-pity lane, I stopped to wallow in my lack of creative writing inspirations, which caused me to drift along past projects and ideas that had never fully taken shape or space on paper. I remembered an old list I'd made of ideas and things that had sparked ideas. I remembered writing a Relient K song down on that list. I remembered the song, and I began crying again, this time because the words touched me where my heart needed the encouragement.

I've forgotten that I'm more than useless.

"More Than Useless"

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once 
----------------------------------------------


Thanks, Relient K!

Unfortunate Hold

Life throws curve balls into your plans. I am a Weak Thing right now, struggling to keep working at my job but thinking that I've reached the breaking point. This throws a bit of a wrench into our plans and may even result in a move. All my crochet ideas, my poncho design, have to wait for now -- between missing work, shifting medications, and feeling all around terrible, there's no time or budget for yarn shopping :(

It's disappointing. It's depressing. And most of all, it's stressful. I know it will all work out, that it will all be OK, but I feel helpless and at the mercy of my own body. Sure, it's easy to promote my Weak Things verse when I'm feeling good; but at times like these, I'll be honest, it's hard to keep that mentality going. I don't want to be weak, sickly, and anxious. I want to feel good, to feel normal. 

Whatever happens, whatever comes, it will be hard and it will try my faith, as it does every time. But I know I will come through.

It just may take more time than I wish.