Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I'm a Little More Than Useless!

Lately I've been feeling pretty useless as I lay around the house recuperating. I see a million little things to do or that need doing, but playing Minecraft and watching TV are about all I can do these days. Tack on a bad case of the "my anti-depressants aren't working as fast as I'd like them to" and I find myself sitting up at three in the morning, a tissue in hand, curled on the couch and listening to the cat crunch its dry food as I think about how pitiful I am. About how many days have already gone by. About times in the past that were very similar to this very moment. About things I want to do now but must wait to come.
So I started praying and just let the tears come softly. I can't completely put into words what I'm feeling but I know God understands exactly what I'm trying to communicate--even if I can't. My depressed thoughts wandered down self-pity lane, I stopped to wallow in my lack of creative writing inspirations, which caused me to drift along past projects and ideas that had never fully taken shape or space on paper. I remembered an old list I'd made of ideas and things that had sparked ideas. I remembered writing a Relient K song down on that list. I remembered the song, and I began crying again, this time because the words touched me where my heart needed the encouragement.

I've forgotten that I'm more than useless.

"More Than Useless"

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once 
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Thanks, Relient K!

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